If the barrier's angry - you 'aint got no money,
No use in holding us up it's not funny.
Just top up and pay up
and get on the stairs,
If you're not in a rush then don't stand on the left!
Cheery conductors you'll find on the tube,
Wish they'd just get the damn thing to move,
BEWARE: Smiles are banned at most times of day,
Alongside giving your seat away.
Watch out for the rats though they can't reach to foot level,
Get rid of the screaming child - give it some revels!
Shouting and swearing and huffing, harassing,
More tube delays
the crowds start amassing.
Shouting and huffing and sweating and swearing,
Crumples appear on whatever you're wearing,
"Red Signal ahead" "but all lines are fine",
Doesn't seem that way: "Body on the line".
"Train terminates here" wherever you're heading,
No tubes to your workplace or café or wedding,
It's hot
no-one cares
there's no geography here,
It makes no use knowing the city streets clear,
For tubes have their own own routes, their own rights and rates,
And all you can bet on is that YOU'LL BE LATE.
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